This wasn’t how I had intended to do things. But I’d reached a level of no return. I’d seen where the road was heading and it wasn’t one I could go down, not with this person not as the person I became around them.
If I am guilty it is of giving people innumerable chances even against my gut, not taking my damn advice, and not really seeing the signs when they are as clear as day. I am a bright girl, but sometimes I’m as blind as a bat. These times are usually when it involves someone who I don’t want to let go of. But I’d been manipulated in my opinion and I was taking my leave.
The signs were there in my last trip, a fiasco of a trip to Vegas while vacationing in southern California. Put in a cab by a friend’s boyfriend and sent back to the hotel, basically deserted, but there were no tears. No that well ran dry a long time ago. I But during this desertion where I was left to my own devices, I did enjoy the lovely hotel and view from my room. Fantastic buds and some movies as well… I’m an easily entertained old Dame.
But seriously though, I learned what exactly a friend is. Or at least that again I had no idea how to pick one out, for sure. I knew jack shit about a lot of things and I had to learn in a week or less.
I cancelled the rent check, and began packing my things. I didn’t feel safe there and I knew I could no longer afford the outrageous rent I was paying nor the emotional roller-coaster that sometimes comes with living with roommates. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world, they weren’t nodding off in a corner Requiem for a Dream style but there were some definite issues and things happening I didn’t want anything to do with.
So as that list of friend-shits that I was ending grew longer I took care of business quietly. Like a thief in the night I packed my bags and counted my coins plotting how to get away from all of this. Not a regret in my heart because I’d seen the beauty that California had to offer`, worked with some hilarious people and had managed to snag a few memories I was quite fond of.
I made a promise to myself to come back, and much like Astrid from White Oleander I’ll always know what time it is here, because I fell in love with it here and who I became here. I came here and didn’t do what I wanted to do. I don’t feel that my expectations for myself were unrealistic, but I was not ready. Not ready for the sudden upheaval in my living situation, the changes in everything; and while one might say that those things are extraneous and I should overcome them if I have a goal, especially if said goal is to keep up here.
I’d rather be stable and continue to prosper on dreams, and return than to live an unstable life and slip on my way.
The trouble I faced was that my exit had a few kinks. I know that there could be better ways to do this, but I feel as if I have been left with my hands tied. Virtually with little option but to deal with what I feel I don’t have to deal with, especially for what I paid.
That’s the last thing anyone can ever tell you, is what you can and cannot do in your own apartment, especially if you’re paying. But of course, that’s all together another box of sins.
But ah well, I’ve little regrets. Just the knowledge and excitement of what lies ahead in my home. My Winterfell. My Gotham. Coming home in the winter feels right. I kind of missed the biting cold (that I’ll soon be cursing). I miss the transportation. I miss the tiny family I had begun to string together out of the remains of that old troubled life. New people. I referred to them as little bits of life.
Unlike most I am looking forward to the travel back, I have tons to read, have to charge all my devices. Maybe play some sims (that’s always nice watching the person next to you watch in amazement, especially if they’re from a generation older than X) … or just catch some Z’s. There’s a bit of shock, I can’t believe I’m coming home.
But then there’s relief.
Home is where the heart is and my heart never left that dark city of mine.